Interesting Patient Interviews, Volume 1: A 53 year-old schizophrenic male present to the emergency department...

Patient: "I'm hearing voices."

MD: "How long have you been hearing these voices?"

Him: "Since I stopped taking my medications."

Me: "Why did you stop taking your medications?"

Him: "The voices told me to."

Me: "Sir, do you use drugs?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Great."

Him: "Do you know Michael Landon?"

Me: "You mean.... the guy from Touched by an Angel?"

Short Indian Female Doctor: "Sir, why are your lips burned so badly?"

Him: "You must be really bad at basketball."

SIFMD: "... I am."

Him: "I'll bet he's really good."

Me: "You think you could take me?"

SIFMD: "Sir do you use crack?"

Him: "Crack... is whack."

Me: "My pager just went off, I have to call someone back... and it could be a really long call."

Him: "I want to talk to my Michael Landon."