Many sites have claimed to find the funniest videos on YouTube. I actually have. In no particular order, they are:
-David After Dentist. A reality video of a five year old after anesthesia for the first time... it's like what would happen if you got your little brother high and he was really funny anyway.
-Never Let a Crackhead Sing at Your Funeral. A video about truth, wisdom, and beauty, and a powerful argument for either A) staying off drugs or B) learning the words to a simple hymn.
-Marijuana Overdose 911 Call. This is an absolutely real 911 call from the wife of a police officer who had stolen evidence and utilized that evidence to the best of his ability. Best line: "We're dying. Time is going by really really really slow. I think we're dead."
-My New Haircut. Irresistible to fans of the Jager Bomb, this clip has probably spawned as many parodies as any other videos on YouTube... it's also shockingly revealing and self-deprecating for a bunch of NJ guidos.
-Mobile Alabama Leprechaun. The amazing part about this news clip of some true believers in Mobile, Alabama is that IT'S ACTUALLY A REAL NEWS SEGMENT. Buy the T-shirt!
Honorable Mentions:
Charlie Bit My Finger... Mostly funny because they're British.
Hahaha... I usually shun videos of babies but this one is awesome, and imported from Sweden!
Star Wars Kid... Talk about scarred for life.
Evolution of Dance... Not especially funny, but pretty cool.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Part 1: JK learns to gut a fish. Part 2: A donkey and matching motorcycle jackets
Part 1: As said above I continued my outdoor education yesterday by learning to gut a fish. As stated previously, I have been fishing quite a bit lately, mostly with my dad. Fishing is cool, but seeing that I don't really like to eat fish, I just catch them and release them, and then try to catch the same fish again. But yesterday, we had a visitor who does like to eat trout, and he agreed to let me "clean" them (which is code for robbing them of their intestines and, if applicable, eggs).
You start by smacking them in the face, really hard. This shocks and immobilizes them and makes you feel like a real fish-beating man, and I accordingly wore what's properly known as an "A" shirt, informally known as a wife beater. I asked my dad and visitor why you don't just stab them straight through the eyes to shock and immobilize them, and they conceded that method would work as well.
So after you beat the fish a bit, you gut it. This consists of slitting the fish belly from anus to just proximal to the lower jaw. It's pretty easy with a quality knife. Then you slit it laterally through the gills, proceeding upward to free the lower jaw, which you use as a "pull-tab" of sorts to rip the intestines (and, if applicable, eggs) out. You then dispose of the innards on land (oddly, other fish won't munch them if you throw them back). You squeeze all the blood out of a large central vessel, wash the fish in the water, and you're ready to go! Decapitation is optional but it's much cooler to cook the fish with its head on.
So that's what I learned yesterday! I also managed to get another wicked sunburn, further increasing the number of burn and tan rings around my neck to four fully visible. A bee stung me on the neck, and then proceeded to sting me three more times on my back after diving into my shirt. Await the sequels of this segment, which will likely be: 1, JK cleans a blue grouse and 2, JK guts a deer (which I will eat later, no trophy hunting for me thank you.)
Part II: So things moved on toward evening. I pan-fried some blue grouse (like a wild chicken) that I traded for last week, making the barter economy very favorable to me. Then I proceeded to the Friendly Store/Century Bar and Grill, which thankfully does not discriminate against patrons like they do prospective employees. I arrived to find a cache of regulars partially watching Miami (henceforward referred to as "The U") crush higher-ranked Georgia Tech. I would denigrate the entire "U" much more thoroughly right now, but I do fear being hunted down and shot by any member of their football team.
When I got to the bar, I ordered my usual Jim Beam and diet and proceeded to talk to the couple on my right. I described the new bartendress to him and, now that I have seen her again, I upgraded her to a 7.5 (great eyes!). At that point, the guy on my right turned to me and said, "Hey, watch out, you're talking about my future girlfriend." I laughed and took a sweet picture of his mullet, which I am unfortunately unable to upload from my telephone. At that point, someone asked him if he was the "guy with the donkey."
This newcomer in town had been spotted on the road over the last couple days, walking barefoot with a dog and a donkey. When asked why he had a donkey, he stated (quite correctly) that no one would pay attention around here to a barefoot guy with a dog, which is a far more common occurrence than you would think. So we asked him why he wanted to draw attention to himself, and he stated that he was trying to get Bill Gates' attention (?) to help fund and promote a revelation in education called "adaptive learning."
In short, adaptive learning consists of an interconnected web of electronic devices (computers, cell pieces, etc) that network around you, recognize you, and provide you with relevant learning experiences as you use these pieces of technology. It sounds to me like a Montessouri type school system, but ever present and transmitted via technology rather than fellow students. Anyway, the system itself doesn't sound so unreasonable, but I did take a chance to look at his website, which I would encourage you visit: www.milesofsmilesforever.com. It's quite entertaining, and could conceivably serve as a cautionary tale for what happens when you take too much acid in your younger years and later find Christianity wrapped up in all types of self-help info.
So I listened to this guy out of the corner of my ear, and we accused the best-known old codger in town of various criminal offenses to explain why he had just got out of jail (felony animal cruelty? Exposing yourself to minors?). Some lady came up behind me and rubbed my shoulders. Another woman asked me if I was indeed doing a crossword puzzle (as if it was a question she needed to ask) and told me that she had a "thing" for crossword puzzles. I, for once, was really at a loss for how to respond to this statement.
It was one thing if she would have said she had a thing for guys (or gals) who did crossword puzzles. I would have told her I was a leper or something to drive her away. But she actually said, and I quote, "I have a thing for crossword puzzles" and stared longingly at the paper. I don't even know what this means; does she like to do crossword puzzles, or "do" crossword puzzles? Confused I was. So I said nothing and kept "doing" the crossword puzzle. I disposed of the paper before leaving so no one else would be put in that awkward a situation, ever again.
When it was indeed time to leave, the couple on my right stated that they had arrived on a motorcycle (sweet). Then he proceeded to pull two matching helmets and matching Triumph motorcycle jackets out of a closet. 
They were both black and white, and as they walked out the door, a black and white dog kept barking at them. It was pretty awesome, and reading this over again, it was something you had to see to fully appreciate.
They were both black and white, and as they walked out the door, a black and white dog kept barking at them. It was pretty awesome, and reading this over again, it was something you had to see to fully appreciate. I proceeded home, thinking that everyone would be tucked in for the night as they usually are. However, there was a man sitting in a chair in the corner in faint light, drinking a Busch heavy. All he said was "Home already? Not the way to close down the bar." I said nothing. I sat and did a Sudoku and another crossword and went to bed in silence.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I admit defeat. Touche, bartendress.
You may have noticed that I haven't blogged about work in a few weeks, which is odd because it's pretty fertile ground for blog fodder. Well that's because I haven't been working. My place of employment closed Monday-Thursday for the winter season; evidently $50 in receipts at the bar every night just wasn't cutting it. So I had applied at another bar in town (the only bar in town open all night all winter) for employment, thinking it a sure thing. So here's the story that left me unemployed and eating canned pig's feet for my one meal a day.
Thinking that I was a shoo-in for the job, I initially applied through word-of-mouth when I learned that the former Tuesday-Wednesday bartender decided to return to school at Wyoming to study something nebulous called "Geographic Information Systems." I later learned that, far from being nebulous, this major only includes GPS and related topics, making it very useful indeed. But anyway, my application proceeded through the appropriate channels but stalled in the hiring committee due to concerns over the now-infamous "Mohammed Incident" or "rock incident" which is detailed in prior blogs. Evidently the rock lady is good friends with several members of the hiring committee and she still had (and has) it in for me; in fact, I've heard it's what keeps her awake at night (ed: scary).
So I filled out a formal "Application for Employment" detailing my sterling high school academic record, astounding standardized test scores, Harvard degree (with honors), and subsequent short-lived career as an internist. I also used my extensive bartending experience (almost ten full days of work) as a reference. I sensed success when only a couple other people applied for the position. But hear from them soon I did not. I overheard a discussion of the hiring committee later, which clued me into their discriminatory practices: "We need a girl to take over. She's pretty too."
To me this amounts to overtly discriminatory employmentary practices. It also subtly implied that I'm not pretty, which added insult to financial injury. I felt like I had a case for the Supreme Court of Wyoming, or perhaps the World. It hasn't happened yet, but my initial conversation with an employment lawyer will likely go something like this:
RetiredJK: "Hello, I've been denied employment because I'm a male."
Lawyer: "I'm sorry to hear that viciously discriminated against you have been (it took me quite awhile to figure out how to not end that sentence in a preposition). What happened? Billing hours start right now by the way."
RJK: "I was passed over for a job at a bar for a pretty girl."
Lawyer: "Clearly that's an exception to anti-discrimination laws. How many sea donkeys do you see getting hired at bars?"
RJK: "....But E stands for equality, and E. pluribus unum, and all that for which our forefathers worked to make this country great. Abe Lincoln (who's kind of a JK look-alike when he grows a mustache along with his beard) would want me to have this opportunity."
Lawyer: "E also stands for employed, which you are not, thank you for the call. Abe Lincoln was a staunch supporter of hot women working in bars also. That will be $49.50."
So finally, at the bar yesterday, a stranger entered; female she was, indeed. Pretty, also. I won't give an exact number but she ranks as an integer somewhere between six and eight. This made me feel much better, the idea that I could be jobless but still served drinks by a good-looking person. I can compromise on that. So my current plans are to wait out the winter here, snowboarding, tutoring for ACT's for cash, applying for psych residency, and plotting my revenge against the crazy rock lady.
If you find yourself in the Denver area, I'm only a couple hours from there. You should come visit, providing you are one of mis amigos and not some random tranny scanning blogs for invitations to meet in rural locations. Also, I'll keep all updated to travel plans via this blog. First trip: Oct 20-23, San Francisco 23-25 Vegas??? That's what I'm thinkin. Gotta visit the old stomping grounds in SF (mostly McTeague's Saloon) and Vegas for a couple bday parties.
Word.
Thinking that I was a shoo-in for the job, I initially applied through word-of-mouth when I learned that the former Tuesday-Wednesday bartender decided to return to school at Wyoming to study something nebulous called "Geographic Information Systems." I later learned that, far from being nebulous, this major only includes GPS and related topics, making it very useful indeed. But anyway, my application proceeded through the appropriate channels but stalled in the hiring committee due to concerns over the now-infamous "Mohammed Incident" or "rock incident" which is detailed in prior blogs. Evidently the rock lady is good friends with several members of the hiring committee and she still had (and has) it in for me; in fact, I've heard it's what keeps her awake at night (ed: scary).
So I filled out a formal "Application for Employment" detailing my sterling high school academic record, astounding standardized test scores, Harvard degree (with honors), and subsequent short-lived career as an internist. I also used my extensive bartending experience (almost ten full days of work) as a reference. I sensed success when only a couple other people applied for the position. But hear from them soon I did not. I overheard a discussion of the hiring committee later, which clued me into their discriminatory practices: "We need a girl to take over. She's pretty too."
To me this amounts to overtly discriminatory employmentary practices. It also subtly implied that I'm not pretty, which added insult to financial injury. I felt like I had a case for the Supreme Court of Wyoming, or perhaps the World. It hasn't happened yet, but my initial conversation with an employment lawyer will likely go something like this:
RetiredJK: "Hello, I've been denied employment because I'm a male."
Lawyer: "I'm sorry to hear that viciously discriminated against you have been (it took me quite awhile to figure out how to not end that sentence in a preposition). What happened? Billing hours start right now by the way."
RJK: "I was passed over for a job at a bar for a pretty girl."
Lawyer: "Clearly that's an exception to anti-discrimination laws. How many sea donkeys do you see getting hired at bars?"
RJK: "....But E stands for equality, and E. pluribus unum, and all that for which our forefathers worked to make this country great. Abe Lincoln (who's kind of a JK look-alike when he grows a mustache along with his beard) would want me to have this opportunity."
Lawyer: "E also stands for employed, which you are not, thank you for the call. Abe Lincoln was a staunch supporter of hot women working in bars also. That will be $49.50."
So finally, at the bar yesterday, a stranger entered; female she was, indeed. Pretty, also. I won't give an exact number but she ranks as an integer somewhere between six and eight. This made me feel much better, the idea that I could be jobless but still served drinks by a good-looking person. I can compromise on that. So my current plans are to wait out the winter here, snowboarding, tutoring for ACT's for cash, applying for psych residency, and plotting my revenge against the crazy rock lady.
If you find yourself in the Denver area, I'm only a couple hours from there. You should come visit, providing you are one of mis amigos and not some random tranny scanning blogs for invitations to meet in rural locations. Also, I'll keep all updated to travel plans via this blog. First trip: Oct 20-23, San Francisco 23-25 Vegas??? That's what I'm thinkin. Gotta visit the old stomping grounds in SF (mostly McTeague's Saloon) and Vegas for a couple bday parties.
Word.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
RetiredJK, Cowboy for a day
Dear readers, it's been a while; I've been in Centennial long enough that new material is getting sparse. But this weekend, I had the opportunity to join some neighbors on a cattle drive. Now, usually a cattle drive involves herding cattle from, say, Texas to Montana. This was a mini-drive, going from one pasture, across the rural highway, to another pasture. But for me any cattle drive is a big deal. Still lacking in a cowboy hat and boots, and chaps, and many other things necessary to herd cattle, I substituted my Harvard rugby T-shirt, cheap sunglasses, and Seven for All Mankind black jeans. I heard plenty of "City Slicker" epithets, but I'm sure they were all in good humor! I didn't bother to tell them that I am military suburban by birthright, urban by obligation, and a born-again normadic country boy by choice.
We started the day fixing a fence through which the neighbors' cattle were entering the hay fields. This is evidently poor form by the neighbors for not tending to their cattle. It's also quite a drain on the hay supply, which I had always thought was infinite. So we rode out to the hay pasture. I know that you're wondering where I learned to ride a horse, but they took pity on me and let me ride an ATV for the day. They're really no comparison to horses as far as mobility, and I still think shooting someone from a horse would be much cooler than shooting them from an ATV. Heck, lancing or slashing someone from a horse would be even cooler and probably contribute to some medieval cachet.
Amazingly, Kid Rock doesn't just blare from every ATV when it leaves the factory; you actually have to have a CD. So we rode our ATV's out to the affected section of fence, and the cows were so scared of me they actually left the hay and ran back through the fence. We used an incredibly low-tech but highly effective (which, by the way, is also how I would describe the intrauterine device as a method of contraception or the skyhook as a way to score baskets) tool to repair the fence; it grabbed the two broken ends, racheted them together, and allowed enough slack to twist the broken ends of wire together. And by "we used" I mean "I rode around in circles on the ATV chasing rabbits". Helluva ranch hand I am.
After fence-mending, we got to the exciting part: herding cattle. Unfortunately, it doesn't require any roping, calf-tying, or bull riding. I was really hoping to jump off my ATV and tackle a calf but that would have been totally out of line. Anyway, there's a reason you "herd" cattle-- they love being in a herd. In fact, it's alot harder to remove one cow from the herd than it is to move an entire herd of cattle. There's also a reason that the dogs they use are called "herding" dogs; they love harassing cows more than that bestiality site on the Internet... or so I "heard". So in short, we were pretty much along for the ride, as the lead cows and the dogs do all the work. I attempted to high-center or flip my ATV (disability, here I come!) going as fast as possible but they ACTIVELY RESIST flipping and high-centering likely due to some feat of engineering or perhaps an act of Jesus (thanks for saving me, big man! Pay off my credit cards now.)
I actually found a sweet picture of Sarah Palin (I still think she's gorgeous) riding an ATV with a child, and there would be nothing better than a picture of her shooting wolves from an ATV, but alas my uploading ability is curtailed.
So we herded the cows, bulls and calves all into the pens for sorting, which is easy because they don't even resist entering a closed space. Then, we culled out the bulls to put them in their own pasture. This was probably the scariest part because bulls have horns. And they still weight 3/4 ton or more. Their lack of sensitivity for my safety was shocking and I had to pull a move straight out of a rodeo and hop a fence to avoid an oncoming bull several times. But pretty much, you let the bull out of the pen with minimal others, then try to isolate the bull and get it into the chute. One bull got an injection of antibiotics (good old DURA-PEN, penicillin for hoof rot) which involved immobilizing the bull from the neck up in the chute and injecting him IM on both sides. He enjoyed it slightly more than a child might.
Next, we got to weigh the calves. They're pretty damn cute, but they will bite your finger off. They also weigh 300 pounds apiece and can kick you like a ninja. This part consisted of us letting a bunch of calves out of each pen and then trying to block their moms from following them; the calves get pretty lonely when seperated from their mothers. But weighing the calves is fun, I actually learned what a cattle prod was, and that is no metaphor! It actually is a cattle prod that you use to shock the calves on the buttocks. I didn't try it even though I usually try to shock myself with anything available (e.g. electric fly swatters, dog collars). But you pretty much push one into the chute, close the second gate (at the end of the scale), and when the calf steps on the scale you close the gate behind it.
This part added some excitement. We got to castrate a male, which is not nearly quite as exciting as it sounds. You actually just tie a couple bands around its scrotom and it withers up and dies (what a sad idea, I would not go quietly if someone tried this on me). Imagine if all the cows figured this out and rebelled, and pulled each others bands off. You would have half a herd of bulls! It's like something from Animal Farm that's not a metaphor for communism. So anyway, one of the calves had not been castrated during their drive earlier this fall. Since I had gloves (the only necessary equipment I actually managed to bring), I got to rope the calf around the neck and hold it back while they wrestled it down. Main job hazard: rope burns, kick injuries, jealousy that I couldn't wrestle the calf. So I slipped the rope (aka lasso) around its neck in the chute, they opened the chute and wrestled the calf to the ground, and, lo and behold, no balls. For some reason it was marked as uncastrated but it indeed what. So I slapped it in the nose for good measure.
Then we let all the calfs and their mothers reunite, and led them out to pasture. This was, as usual, very unremarkable because the cows lead themselves out to pasture. For me it was another excuse to ride the ATV recklessly. After we let the cows out, we took the back way home, did some sweet jumps, and had lunch. What do cowboys eat for lunch. Evidently they eat Subway because that's what we had. And plenty of full-flavor American lagers, although as we discussed that day there's really only one that remains American in mass production, and that's PBR. PBR ME ASAP, brosef.
Also, contact me via text message for an interesting three-way trade I made the other day involving a freshly killed blue grouse (it's like a chicken.)
We started the day fixing a fence through which the neighbors' cattle were entering the hay fields. This is evidently poor form by the neighbors for not tending to their cattle. It's also quite a drain on the hay supply, which I had always thought was infinite. So we rode out to the hay pasture. I know that you're wondering where I learned to ride a horse, but they took pity on me and let me ride an ATV for the day. They're really no comparison to horses as far as mobility, and I still think shooting someone from a horse would be much cooler than shooting them from an ATV. Heck, lancing or slashing someone from a horse would be even cooler and probably contribute to some medieval cachet.
Amazingly, Kid Rock doesn't just blare from every ATV when it leaves the factory; you actually have to have a CD. So we rode our ATV's out to the affected section of fence, and the cows were so scared of me they actually left the hay and ran back through the fence. We used an incredibly low-tech but highly effective (which, by the way, is also how I would describe the intrauterine device as a method of contraception or the skyhook as a way to score baskets) tool to repair the fence; it grabbed the two broken ends, racheted them together, and allowed enough slack to twist the broken ends of wire together. And by "we used" I mean "I rode around in circles on the ATV chasing rabbits". Helluva ranch hand I am.
After fence-mending, we got to the exciting part: herding cattle. Unfortunately, it doesn't require any roping, calf-tying, or bull riding. I was really hoping to jump off my ATV and tackle a calf but that would have been totally out of line. Anyway, there's a reason you "herd" cattle-- they love being in a herd. In fact, it's alot harder to remove one cow from the herd than it is to move an entire herd of cattle. There's also a reason that the dogs they use are called "herding" dogs; they love harassing cows more than that bestiality site on the Internet... or so I "heard". So in short, we were pretty much along for the ride, as the lead cows and the dogs do all the work. I attempted to high-center or flip my ATV (disability, here I come!) going as fast as possible but they ACTIVELY RESIST flipping and high-centering likely due to some feat of engineering or perhaps an act of Jesus (thanks for saving me, big man! Pay off my credit cards now.)
I actually found a sweet picture of Sarah Palin (I still think she's gorgeous) riding an ATV with a child, and there would be nothing better than a picture of her shooting wolves from an ATV, but alas my uploading ability is curtailed.
So we herded the cows, bulls and calves all into the pens for sorting, which is easy because they don't even resist entering a closed space. Then, we culled out the bulls to put them in their own pasture. This was probably the scariest part because bulls have horns. And they still weight 3/4 ton or more. Their lack of sensitivity for my safety was shocking and I had to pull a move straight out of a rodeo and hop a fence to avoid an oncoming bull several times. But pretty much, you let the bull out of the pen with minimal others, then try to isolate the bull and get it into the chute. One bull got an injection of antibiotics (good old DURA-PEN, penicillin for hoof rot) which involved immobilizing the bull from the neck up in the chute and injecting him IM on both sides. He enjoyed it slightly more than a child might.
Next, we got to weigh the calves. They're pretty damn cute, but they will bite your finger off. They also weigh 300 pounds apiece and can kick you like a ninja. This part consisted of us letting a bunch of calves out of each pen and then trying to block their moms from following them; the calves get pretty lonely when seperated from their mothers. But weighing the calves is fun, I actually learned what a cattle prod was, and that is no metaphor! It actually is a cattle prod that you use to shock the calves on the buttocks. I didn't try it even though I usually try to shock myself with anything available (e.g. electric fly swatters, dog collars). But you pretty much push one into the chute, close the second gate (at the end of the scale), and when the calf steps on the scale you close the gate behind it.
This part added some excitement. We got to castrate a male, which is not nearly quite as exciting as it sounds. You actually just tie a couple bands around its scrotom and it withers up and dies (what a sad idea, I would not go quietly if someone tried this on me). Imagine if all the cows figured this out and rebelled, and pulled each others bands off. You would have half a herd of bulls! It's like something from Animal Farm that's not a metaphor for communism. So anyway, one of the calves had not been castrated during their drive earlier this fall. Since I had gloves (the only necessary equipment I actually managed to bring), I got to rope the calf around the neck and hold it back while they wrestled it down. Main job hazard: rope burns, kick injuries, jealousy that I couldn't wrestle the calf. So I slipped the rope (aka lasso) around its neck in the chute, they opened the chute and wrestled the calf to the ground, and, lo and behold, no balls. For some reason it was marked as uncastrated but it indeed what. So I slapped it in the nose for good measure.
Then we let all the calfs and their mothers reunite, and led them out to pasture. This was, as usual, very unremarkable because the cows lead themselves out to pasture. For me it was another excuse to ride the ATV recklessly. After we let the cows out, we took the back way home, did some sweet jumps, and had lunch. What do cowboys eat for lunch. Evidently they eat Subway because that's what we had. And plenty of full-flavor American lagers, although as we discussed that day there's really only one that remains American in mass production, and that's PBR. PBR ME ASAP, brosef.
Also, contact me via text message for an interesting three-way trade I made the other day involving a freshly killed blue grouse (it's like a chicken.)
Monday, August 31, 2009
Fan Mail, Part 1
First of all, I got the sweetest fortune ever in my fortune cookie: "Soothing your body are the name of the game today." This would be more apropos for Siamese twins, but I still thought it quite humorous.
Anyway, down to business: I got my first fan mail the other day from someone I don't even know. They will remain unnamed as some might find their letter a bit, well, downright funny. I don't because it uncovers the lies behind the truth. All I will tell you is that it's from a fan in Missouri. Here's their letter, verbatim; it came to me handwritten. Every sentence needs a (sic) after it but I thought that would take away from the wonderful flow that the letter has. My response follows.
RetiredJK,
Thought you might like this info on 2 books.
"INTO THE LIGHT" BY WM. CAMPBELL DOUGLAS II; a 4th generation Dr. and his son is a 5th generation doctor-- see enclosed order form. We developed "ultra violet light" in the US in the 20's as a medical treatment. 7,000 cases have been treated-- no side effects. IN AERICA ONE HAD AIDS SO BAD HE COULDNT GO TO WORK-- 20 TREATMENTS LATER HE WENT TO WORK!!
IN THE USA ONE WAS GIVEN 70 TREATMENTS and he is free of aids.
Usually one treatment is enough. IT TURNS YOUR BODY ON SO IT HEALS ITSELF.
Used widely in Russia-- no money for pills.
AMA, FDA AND AMERICAN CANCER ASSOC. + BIG PHARMACIEL WILL FIGHT THIS.
ALSO "THE CHINA STUDY" 30 YEAR STUDY OF NUTRITION BY CORNELL UNIVERSITY.
Think you will enjoy this immensley!
Sincerely yours,
Redacted.
PS: INTO THE LIGHT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!
___________________________________________
Dear fan,
I am glad to hear that you are enjoying the blog. I think it's really funny and you should too. I appreciate your interest in holistic medicine; this Dr. Douglass sounds like a real treat! I am not sure how they bypassed his literature in medical school. It is probably because I went to a state-funded medical school and they don't want "insubordinate" medical topics taught, but that's because our medical schools are funded by the CIA and big pharma. If it's good enough for Russia, it must be good enough for me!
I do have one question, how can he be a fourth generation doctor when his name says he is "William Campbell Douglass II"? Isn't that an oxymoron? And one other question, if UV light usually only requires one treatment, why did one guy require seventy just to get rid of the AIDS? There are medicine men in Africa that can cure it just with some herbs and stuff.
But seriously, this guy seems to be on to something. I have always thought that AIDS was developed by the American government or some other shadowy organization. His book "AIDS and Biological Warfare: What They Are Not Telling You!" could have saved millions if they had just shipped the book to Africa in the mid-80's and told everyone to read it while they were bottle-feeding their starving children. I mean, that is, if HIV does in fact even cause AIDS! Haha!
There are a couple other books of his I find interesting. "Eat Your Cholesterol! How to Live off the Fat of the Land and Feel Great" is really relieving for me, since I am currently eating three slices of bacon, four ounces of chorizo sausage, two eggs friend in chorizo and bacon grease, and two grease-fried tortillas with eight slices of cheddar on top. I am going to lick the grease off the plate to celebrate the health benefits of this tasty and healthful meal!
But my personal favorite book on his reading list is: "The Smoker's Paradox: Health Benefits of Tobacco." YES. Finally I can start smoking those wonderful cigarettes and not worry about rare but troublesome issues like small cell lung cancer and emphysema. Is chewing tobacco as good for you as smoking cigarettes? Cause I could do both if Dr. Douglass thinks it would have health benefits. I have always thought that the so-called "smoker's cough" was actually a GOOD thing, because when babies are born and they cough that is a good sign; why would it be any different in middle-aged or elderly people? And I had always thought that a slight reduction in pancreatic cancer was about the ONLY benefit of smoking, how silly! You can get all the benefits of smoking for only $200 a month, and we prescribe prescription pills that can poison you and cost the same! I am just going to write scripts for cigarettes from now on. The government has clearly been demonizing tobacco just to divert money to big pharma and make money from their conspiracy-driven lawsuits against the tobacco companies.
Anyway faithful blog reader, fight on. I am ready to have my mind BLOWN by "Into the Light" and other hidden classics by Dr. Douglass. I can't find that much information on the web about him though, and alot of it is filed under the topics "quack". What does this mean? It must be a title of respect like "chief" or "hallowed physician/genius". I can't wait to read his rebuttal of global warming theories as well!
In solidarity,
Comrade RetiredJK
PS-- Can I borrow your UV light? Cure for AIDS.
Anyway, down to business: I got my first fan mail the other day from someone I don't even know. They will remain unnamed as some might find their letter a bit, well, downright funny. I don't because it uncovers the lies behind the truth. All I will tell you is that it's from a fan in Missouri. Here's their letter, verbatim; it came to me handwritten. Every sentence needs a (sic) after it but I thought that would take away from the wonderful flow that the letter has. My response follows.
RetiredJK,
Thought you might like this info on 2 books.
"INTO THE LIGHT" BY WM. CAMPBELL DOUGLAS II; a 4th generation Dr. and his son is a 5th generation doctor-- see enclosed order form. We developed "ultra violet light" in the US in the 20's as a medical treatment. 7,000 cases have been treated-- no side effects. IN AERICA ONE HAD AIDS SO BAD HE COULDNT GO TO WORK-- 20 TREATMENTS LATER HE WENT TO WORK!!
IN THE USA ONE WAS GIVEN 70 TREATMENTS and he is free of aids.
Usually one treatment is enough. IT TURNS YOUR BODY ON SO IT HEALS ITSELF.
Used widely in Russia-- no money for pills.
AMA, FDA AND AMERICAN CANCER ASSOC. + BIG PHARMACIEL WILL FIGHT THIS.
ALSO "THE CHINA STUDY" 30 YEAR STUDY OF NUTRITION BY CORNELL UNIVERSITY.
Think you will enjoy this immensley!
Sincerely yours,
Redacted.
PS: INTO THE LIGHT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!
___________________________________________
Dear fan,
I am glad to hear that you are enjoying the blog. I think it's really funny and you should too. I appreciate your interest in holistic medicine; this Dr. Douglass sounds like a real treat! I am not sure how they bypassed his literature in medical school. It is probably because I went to a state-funded medical school and they don't want "insubordinate" medical topics taught, but that's because our medical schools are funded by the CIA and big pharma. If it's good enough for Russia, it must be good enough for me!
I do have one question, how can he be a fourth generation doctor when his name says he is "William Campbell Douglass II"? Isn't that an oxymoron? And one other question, if UV light usually only requires one treatment, why did one guy require seventy just to get rid of the AIDS? There are medicine men in Africa that can cure it just with some herbs and stuff.
But seriously, this guy seems to be on to something. I have always thought that AIDS was developed by the American government or some other shadowy organization. His book "AIDS and Biological Warfare: What They Are Not Telling You!" could have saved millions if they had just shipped the book to Africa in the mid-80's and told everyone to read it while they were bottle-feeding their starving children. I mean, that is, if HIV does in fact even cause AIDS! Haha!
There are a couple other books of his I find interesting. "Eat Your Cholesterol! How to Live off the Fat of the Land and Feel Great" is really relieving for me, since I am currently eating three slices of bacon, four ounces of chorizo sausage, two eggs friend in chorizo and bacon grease, and two grease-fried tortillas with eight slices of cheddar on top. I am going to lick the grease off the plate to celebrate the health benefits of this tasty and healthful meal!
But my personal favorite book on his reading list is: "The Smoker's Paradox: Health Benefits of Tobacco." YES. Finally I can start smoking those wonderful cigarettes and not worry about rare but troublesome issues like small cell lung cancer and emphysema. Is chewing tobacco as good for you as smoking cigarettes? Cause I could do both if Dr. Douglass thinks it would have health benefits. I have always thought that the so-called "smoker's cough" was actually a GOOD thing, because when babies are born and they cough that is a good sign; why would it be any different in middle-aged or elderly people? And I had always thought that a slight reduction in pancreatic cancer was about the ONLY benefit of smoking, how silly! You can get all the benefits of smoking for only $200 a month, and we prescribe prescription pills that can poison you and cost the same! I am just going to write scripts for cigarettes from now on. The government has clearly been demonizing tobacco just to divert money to big pharma and make money from their conspiracy-driven lawsuits against the tobacco companies.
Anyway faithful blog reader, fight on. I am ready to have my mind BLOWN by "Into the Light" and other hidden classics by Dr. Douglass. I can't find that much information on the web about him though, and alot of it is filed under the topics "quack". What does this mean? It must be a title of respect like "chief" or "hallowed physician/genius". I can't wait to read his rebuttal of global warming theories as well!
In solidarity,
Comrade RetiredJK
PS-- Can I borrow your UV light? Cure for AIDS.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Phil and me
Usually one's interest in a particular song or artist wanes as times goes on. Maybe it's due to changing personal musical tastes, shifts in the genre, or the effects of aging. For me, the Beatles really fall into this category, as does the band Poison. But some things get better with age. For me, some of these things were steak, wine, and tomatoes. And musically, Phil Collins is better than steak, wine, and tomatoes all put together.
What is it about "Another Day in Paradise" that just makes me crazy? Or when Phil jumps in on the drums toward the end of "In the Air Tonight"? And who could ever forget "Sussudio" after hearing it just once?
I will tell you a secret too, Joe Rogan. In my dreams, whenever I die it is in a hail of bullets with the song "I Wish It Would Rain Down" playing as loud as possible. And, oh yes, it is raining hard. Hundred dollar bills are flying around in a penguin tornado also.
In searching for a picture of Phil Collins to put on this very blog, I also discovered that Phil Collins was recently ranked #5 on an about.com list of music for the terminally uncool. Visit the article by Bill Lamb, about.com writer, at: top40.about.com/od/top10lists/ss/uncoolpop_6.htm. To give you an idea of this guy's credibility, guess #10 (Bon Jovi) and #4 (Neil Diamond). Who's #1 on my list of bad about.com writers? You, Bill Lamb.
I'll bet you didn't know that Phil has crossed over into hip-hop. According to Wikipedia's article on Phil, "The hip-hop group Bone Thugs-N-Harmony recorded a remake of the song "Take Me Home" titled "Home" on their album Thug World Order. The song features verses by the group, with the chorus sung by Collins. Though the BTNH-Collins collaboration was criticized in the United States (for example, VH1 rated it #9 on its "top 20 least hip-hop moments in history), it received so much positive reception in the UK that Bone Thugs decided to name Collins an honorary member under the moniker "Chrome Bone".
I also found a tournament underway at Entertainment Weekly for top musical guilty pleasures, and Phil Collins is seeded 11th in the East Regional. He takes on George Michael and Wham in the first round. See the tourney at http://music-mix.ew.com/2009/08/14/guilty-pleasures-bracket/. While this may sell a couple magazines, I do not believe that Phil belongs on the guilty pleasures list. I mean, I never feel guilty when I listen to Phil. I only feel pleasure. OK I feel a little guilty when I hear that song from the Tarzan soundtrack.
What brought the idea of this blog on me was a Chinese buffet at which I ate on Tuesday. They were playing those cheesy piano and wind instrumental versions of American pop songs. Right after "Auld Lang Syne" they played a completely butchered version of "In the Air Tonight." They also had those very gossamer Chinese restaurant pictures, usually featuring a dolphin, waterfall, full moon and clouds. They served "Macaroni and Cheese" at the buffet which was actually pasta alfredo. Their wasabi was reconstituted from powder. And for reasons I still don't comprehend, the lady at the register had to put the credit card in a plastic bag before she swiped it. It was sooooooooooo authentic.
I'm going to go listen to Enya.
Monday, August 24, 2009
JK get sexually assaulted.
Alrrrrright friends, usually this blog is more lighthearted and whimsical, but today's entry is anything but family-friendly. Earmuffs for children or leaving the room would be desirable. Because we're here today to talk about sexual assault, a crime of which I recently became a victim.
I was sitting on a bar stool at William' Tavern in uptown Denver. The place is kind of a dive, I would post a picture but I can't figure out how to download pictures on a Macintosh. There is no right mouse button and it infuriates me!!! I was sitting on the left end of the bar with a very attractive woman sitting to my right. To her right was a fairly suspicious looking, goateed and lonely guy with a beer and a shot in front of him. Here's a security camera video of the lineup (this is actual footage from Williams Tavern):
I was talking to the attractive girl when a woman on my left interrupted us and commented that we were a very cute couple. I flatly denied this accusation and asked for a more manly title on our relationship. She laughed and asked if she could buy us drinks. At that point my resistance faded and I realized that being a cute couple could be really lucrative. I turned to the other half of the couple:
RetiredJK: "I didn't really think we were that cute."
Woman: "We're not."
RJK: "We should try to be cute more often."
And the night wore on. I played my favorite combo on the jukebox, a combo of Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" and Lady Gaga's "Poker Face." There was quite a bit of dancing.
Anyway, we ended up sitting at the same seats at the bar, and the same guy I mentioned earlier was still seated next to her. At one point he interjected something into our conversation but nothing memorable, and my knowledge of him is currently limited to that comment (which I have since forgotten).
When it came time to leave the bar, everyone in our clique was saying goodbyes, hugging, and eating Cheetos. The aforementioned guy at the bar got up and approached me. I like to seem approachable so I didn't think much of it. But all of a sudden the guy said, "It was great getting to know you." I was so taken aback by the comment (since, of course, I hadn't really met him) that I didn't notice his left arm wrapping around me and landing somewhere in the region of my ass. At first, I thought he was going for my wallet, which would have been disastrous since I had all my $1's and$5's for the club later in there. I still didn't really understand what was going on for a few seconds, when I said something like: "Why's your hand still there?"
And then he smiled kind of like Samwell does in the "What What" video and I realized that I was in the process of being assaulted, sexually. I demanded $20 for the cheap feel and my emotional trauma but he just offered to buy me a drink. I really, really wish we could have gotten a picture of the offender and turned this guy in, because I'm pretty sure he is a serial toucher of guys at bars. They need a mascot for anti-grabbing laws at bars, like Smokey the Bear reps for forest fire prevention. I am the poster boy for fighting against unwanted male-on-male grabbing especially if there is no cash transfer involved.
The motto is "No Molestation without Compensation."
I was sitting on a bar stool at William' Tavern in uptown Denver. The place is kind of a dive, I would post a picture but I can't figure out how to download pictures on a Macintosh. There is no right mouse button and it infuriates me!!! I was sitting on the left end of the bar with a very attractive woman sitting to my right. To her right was a fairly suspicious looking, goateed and lonely guy with a beer and a shot in front of him. Here's a security camera video of the lineup (this is actual footage from Williams Tavern):
I was talking to the attractive girl when a woman on my left interrupted us and commented that we were a very cute couple. I flatly denied this accusation and asked for a more manly title on our relationship. She laughed and asked if she could buy us drinks. At that point my resistance faded and I realized that being a cute couple could be really lucrative. I turned to the other half of the couple:
RetiredJK: "I didn't really think we were that cute."
Woman: "We're not."
RJK: "We should try to be cute more often."
And the night wore on. I played my favorite combo on the jukebox, a combo of Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" and Lady Gaga's "Poker Face." There was quite a bit of dancing.
Anyway, we ended up sitting at the same seats at the bar, and the same guy I mentioned earlier was still seated next to her. At one point he interjected something into our conversation but nothing memorable, and my knowledge of him is currently limited to that comment (which I have since forgotten).
When it came time to leave the bar, everyone in our clique was saying goodbyes, hugging, and eating Cheetos. The aforementioned guy at the bar got up and approached me. I like to seem approachable so I didn't think much of it. But all of a sudden the guy said, "It was great getting to know you." I was so taken aback by the comment (since, of course, I hadn't really met him) that I didn't notice his left arm wrapping around me and landing somewhere in the region of my ass. At first, I thought he was going for my wallet, which would have been disastrous since I had all my $1's and$5's for the club later in there. I still didn't really understand what was going on for a few seconds, when I said something like: "Why's your hand still there?"
And then he smiled kind of like Samwell does in the "What What" video and I realized that I was in the process of being assaulted, sexually. I demanded $20 for the cheap feel and my emotional trauma but he just offered to buy me a drink. I really, really wish we could have gotten a picture of the offender and turned this guy in, because I'm pretty sure he is a serial toucher of guys at bars. They need a mascot for anti-grabbing laws at bars, like Smokey the Bear reps for forest fire prevention. I am the poster boy for fighting against unwanted male-on-male grabbing especially if there is no cash transfer involved.
The motto is "No Molestation without Compensation."
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