Monday, July 13, 2009

Day 5: An Intruder in the Dust, and a Moose

This Sunday was indeed a hallmark day for me. Indeed, I lost my virginity with not one but two new weapons. First, I awoke at 1 PM to find my dad using a chainsaw in the backyard; like a moth to a flame, I ran outside and demanded to use it in my flip-flops. We build a small bridge, one of the three things I have constructed in my life. Then I proceeded to quote Scarface and pretended to chop up Tony Montana's friend in the tub. Whoever thought of diverting a chainsaw from its original use (decapitation) to such a boring, mundane job as chopping wood was really a spoilsport.

The second big event of the day occurred around bedtime. I was laying in bed, doing Sudoku as usual and reading Guns, Germs, and Steel, which I personally think should be renamed Guns, Germans, and Steel. My dad barged into the camper and told me that a madman had assaulted someone in our subdivision. He was, alledgedly, on the loose with a firearm. We both decided it would be safer in the cabin. So I brought my books, phone, and stuffed penguin in from the camper to find both parents brandishing handguns. As with the chainsaw, I demanded that I be armed immediately; when my mom balked, I wrestled the pistol away from her.

"JK, do you know how to use that?" my Dad asked.

"Yeah, I've seen Menace to Society a dozen times. You point it at someone, turn it sideways, and pull the trigger." I mimicked every gangsta movie I've ever seen, pushing it forward with each pantomime shot as if the bullet gained more power from my arm motion.

"Actually, you take it out of the holster first, then you turn off the safety."

"I thought we could just skip the basics."

In reality, I don't think I've ever fired a handgun in my life, mostly due to my incredibly suburban/urban upbringing. Also, a desire to stay as far away from guns as possible contributed to my handgun virginity. But I needed to learn, and fast; a madman was on the loose.

Little did he know that he had chosen the worst subdivision outside of Texas to be a felon on the loose. Most estimates put the gun: human ratio around 4:1, and at ten PM yesterday, every one of those was loaded and aimed out a window waiting for this abusive, bipolar moron to show his face.

I did sleep with the gun under my pillow, not because I needed to do so, but because I wanted that life experience that can only come from sleeping with a gun under your pillow. It turned out this morning that the suspect had escaped to Cheyenne, where he was captured without incident.

But more excitement followed this morning, when I went on a hike with my parents and another couple. For the most part, the hike was gorgeous and uneventful. However, about a mile before the conclusion, I heard a rustling ahead. I stepped off the trail, thinking there was a group of mountain bikers ahead; instead, the biggest moose I have ever seen crashed across the trail. I pointed it out to the four hikers following me, and they managed to glimpse it. All agreed it was ginormous. Here is a picture (not of the moose I saw, but of a generic Shiras moose):

Please see the top of the page, I can't figure out how to move the moose picture.

Apologies again, as I am still learning to use the "digital" camera and upload those pictures. Indentation also still eludes me. But I am terrific at using semicolons.


  1. Best one yet! I LOL the entire time. If you were a real mountain man you would brandish that handgun at all times and you would have shot that guilty looking Moose. Afterwards, making jerky and bringing it to Omaha with you.

  2. If I were a real mountain man (and thank you for using the correct subjunctive tense there), I would have opted for a goddamn chainsaw and sawed that moose's head off, Tony Montana-style, OK! I'm reloading!

    Also, I added an older, edited post about an interesting patient encounter that you may all have missed, check it out, it's sandwiched between Day 3 and the Beerfest.